Sometimes we have to let ourselves just be a mess.
It’s in the messes that we crack. And it’s in the messes that God cracks us open.
I woke up in a funk today after a wonderful day yesterday. A day full of fun and laughter and stories and time and appreciating all the things.
Then last night I couldn’t sleep.
This morning I couldn’t wake up.
I wandered around my house attempting to clean and organize and rest my way out of my own mind. Then I went to my mat in search of something…an unnamed something. My restless soul knew what it was but couldn’t let my restless mind in on the secret. I needed to try and connect the pieces of me that weren’t speaking to each other properly.
By the end of my yoga practice I found myself randomly in tears. It was the craziest thing, what was on my mind was completely unexpected.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the losses of motherhood. We get so much as moms. But we lose so much too. And it’s from this place that I just cracked.
I cracked for the times I have lost myself and for my kids that are growing so quickly and losing their littleness.and for the baby that I lost and will never mother and for all the moms that have lost a child and all the children that have lost mothers and the grief of the ages seemed to just well up like a gift I hadn’t asked for and didn’t know what to do with.
But a gift it really was.
Because it’s in the cracks God’s healing light and love can actually get IN. Not just a healing on the surface but a healing in the soul. Our souls linger just beneath these cracks and if we don’t allow ourselves to be opened up, the healing light cannot reach the dark and dear and unseen places in our hearts. The painful cracking happens when we allow ourselves to be broken down and when we allow ourselves to be quiet and when we allow ourselves to stop thinking and just be.
I can go on day after day living in the busy and in the fun and in the everyday beauty. Then out of nowhere my soul just heads for the sacred.
And I become a randomly cracked mess.
So I’m grateful today for the mess that is me. Grateful I gave myself time today to stop trying to just be happy or to just keep going. Grateful that I let myself head for the mess. Grateful for a God that is just waiting for me to come to Him for healing and love. Grateful that in healing the cracks I actually become stronger than I was before. I think that’s actually science my friends.
So today I want to remind you that it’s OK to be a mess. It’s OK to be full of cracks, your cracks are holy. It’s OK to look around at your perfectly wonderful life and feel like you are restlessly wandering. It’s OK not to be OK, and you don’t even have to have a good reason, or really any reason at all.
It might just be God waiting to get through your cracks and bring healing your soul. He’ll use your mess for beauty. Tonight as I sit with my kids I am more present, more grateful and more at peace. That’s the magic and blessing of being a messy daughter of our healing God. Amen.